- Profile
- Entries
- Tag
- Links
- Clear
Welcome ♥
More than I could hope or dream of
You have poured Your favour on me
One day in the house of God is
Better than a thousand days in the world
So blessed, I can't contain it...
So much, I've got to give it away,
Your love taught me to live now...
You are more than enough for me.
Lord, You're more than enough for me
Lord, You're more than enough for me
God's child ♥
my deepest desires: go to Australia to get my degree. do humanitarian work. backpack. find my 'knight in shining armour'. and finally..MIGRATE! (:
My name is jiamin. i'm just a simple ordinary girl struggling to excel in my studies and to find my true identity. i have come to realise tht hope is, but, a very important thing for all of us; tht in the darkest moments, only if we cling on to hope can we find peace within ourselves. God bless! Title: i have SO MUCH to say.
Date: Thursday, February 28, 2008
the last few days have been rather nice i guess. no worrying abt revision waiting to b done..or tests to prepare for..purely chilling out..sat at Gloria Jean's on wednesday wif cuijing and we juz talked..and talked..and talked. totally relishing the feeling of not having to worry abt work.haha.
but fun and laughter aside..the last few days i've had my share of heartaches and dilema.
well on wed..went out wif PT classmates to try and get su's bdae present. i had to leave earlier to meet my parents at Heartland mall to collect my fone. but on one hand i felt bad cuz at tht time we still hadnt gotten anything yet and when qing asked me to hang ard for awhile more i juz cldnt say no. and so i had to make my parents wait for ME and of cuz i got tht black face frm them. and den my dad had to tell me..he was utterly disappointed in me and tht he expected more frm me.
it's so difficult to please everyone. i have to fulfill my obligation as a fren as well as a daughter. oh mayb the decision is simple isit..of cuz the latter is more impt.
BUT i juz cant help but feel tht my parents still expect tht i spend alot more time at home. they expect me to think abt them before i think abt myself. mayb im supposed to do tht..it shud come naturally issit? i duno. as i grow older i find it so hard. to make the right decisions and to please everyone. and at the end of the day i feel tht wad i wan for myself is compromised becuz of my family. i wanna fly..i wanna do anything as i wish..but i feel like my wings are clipped.
i wanna migrate! i wanna go away! start my own freaking life!
i declined the opportunity to be a camp instructor actually mainly bcuz of my family. my mum was saying why u wanna spend so much time away frm home..i shud stay at home and help my bro if he nids help..and at the back of my mind there's this voice telling me tht i nid to spend more time wif my granny becuz who else will? seriously who else will. but i rrly wanna do the camp. of cuz in the end they'll say it's up to you wad u wanna do but wad's wif the black face u give me man.
but it's not tht i find spending time wif my family a chore..juz tht why do my frens haf it so much easier on them wen it comes to making decisions..they'll base their decisions on wad they want for themselves ...why dun they haf to think so much abt their family fers. why issit onli me? and i feel now it comes so naturally for me..tht i wld think abt the time im spending away frm home n it wld juz make me reject smth tht cld be an experience of a lifetime. but i hate tht feeling man.
i HATE being the eldest! i rly HATE it! i have to think abt my siblings in everything i do. i mean wen my sister's my age will she be expected stay home instead of gg out to help a younger sibling wif homework? where im coming frm it's rrly hard for alot of pple to relate to but tht's my life..has been, is now, will be. i cant break away frm all these...i wan to but i cant. i'll always haf to base my decisions on how other's will feel.
however at the end of all these..wld i rather a family who 'controls' me or wld i rather haf a family tht juz leaves me to do as i wish. sometimes i rrly think it's so difficult to talk abt all these to another person cuz it seems to me tht it's onli my family tt's like this and the very bottomline is tht i haf no idea wad i wan man.
anyway nxt week will b meeting up wif my dear jc frens to do a farewell gift for a good fren who'll b gg overseas to study. i hope nxt week will b worth it..me giving up the camp and all.
i hope it was the RIGHT decision after all.
&so much I gotta give it away; 11:19 PM